Discoveries

For two and a half years, I was a 9-1-1 dispatcher. I was employed, though, by a police department, so the vast majority of my traffic was police oriented. My relationship with my job was entirely love/hate. It would take way too many words to describe why that is. If you ever meet someone who does (or did) the job, ask them about it, and maybe you can begin to grasp that statement.

When I left, our Administrative Sergeant told me that I was "one of the most efficient dispatchers we ever had." He wasn't one to dole out the compliments, so it really stuck with me. Part of my ability I ascribed to the fact that I could type very quickly. I could also prioritize pretty well. I thought a big part of it was from the fact that when the need arose, I was very focused. Also, I didn't let things bother me after the fact.

At least I thought I didn't. I recently told a friend that one of the reasons I was a good dispatcher was because I didn't let things bother me. I could deal with tragedy and pain and come out of it fairly unscathed. I was wrong.

In part of the same conversation, the same friend commented on how much I'd changed since they knew me last. It's true. I'm less compassionate, I get angry faster, and I have a general lack of patience with people. I also get fidgety when there are too many people in my immediate vicinity.

I finally realized tonight that I didn't cope well with the stress of being a dispatcher. I mean, I did, I was able to do my job when things got out of control, but it definitely had a lasting impact on me. So then, to really say you deal with things well means that you can leave a situation as essentially the same person you were when you started. At that, I failed. It probably didn't help that during the time I also lost a step-father, and my biological father. And 3 pets.

Now, I don't think anybody could say that being a dispatcher doesn't change you. You see, hear, and experience things that most people in the world don't have to deal with. And yes, it does change you. But I think a person is really, truly successful if they can come out of it without changing the core of who they are. I realize now that I have to find a way to undo that change in myself. It's happening, little by little.

It's hard because you can't really talk to people about it. War veterans don't talk about war with people who haven't experienced it. What good would it do? If you haven't done it, you can't possibly understand what it's like. In some distant way, the same can be applied to those in the public service field.

I don't really know what I'm getting at. I guess I just had an epiphany regarding what coping is really about. Maybe the knowledge will serve me in the future.